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Act Jealous, Press Pause


When I was homeless I lived without my own remote for months in a row. That might sound stupid to you (and it is) but before I lost my house, my television screen had been one of my closest friends for a long time.

To overcome my growing ‘no remote/control-itch’ I decided to do some downloading, I still had my own laptop. Since I hadn’t a clue on what to choose I asked my best friend for her favourites, and the password to her wifi… I could stay at her place

Anyways… Weeks, in which I overwhelmed my friend with overenthusiastic reviews on movies she’d seen ages ago, went by. Then I finally got to enjoy her couch the way God had intended. She went away for a while and I could stay in her house. The fridge-sized television she left me with would even bring me the good stuff digitally, she said: ‘But I had no idea what that meant.’

I must admit, those first few clicks with a remote of ‘my own’ were a little awkward. But right after a German slagerfestival and a French Nescafe commercial I discovered her movie channel, so I could finally, really settle down. The Descendants had just started and after googling I found out that George Clooney had almost won an Oscar for his role in this particular flick.

Since I’m not that into slagermusic or French commercials, I decided to give that movie a chance and soon discovered it was a ‘not so funny and slightly pretentious rom-com disguised as a drama. George’s almost award winning performance in The Descendants reminded me of his perfomance in Syriana one of my friends favourites for which George did win an Oscar.

In Syriana George plays a not particularly fit looking secret agent that hardly moves a muscle while someone is pulling out his nails. The motion picture I just saw had Clooney playing a not so fit looking father who hardly moves a muscle after hearing someone else had frequently fucked his wife.. in their bed.

Getting up from my temporary TV-throne (which was easier said..) I grabbed my laptop and started googling. There was something utterly wrong here. I found out that Syriana scored a 7 with about 80,000 votes @IMDB. The descendants was awarded a 7.5 from 145,000 viewers. The first flick got Clooney an Oscar and the second one almost.

Then I googled Ocean’s Eleven which scored a 7.8 coming from 300,000 people. Even though the latter was a star packed movie in which Clooney may not have played the obvious main character, it didn’t even get him a nomination from the 6,000 @The Academy. Why was that? What made George a better actor in the previously mentioned movies and what made those roles so hard to play, hence award nomination material?

I know George isn’t known for looking timid or out of shape, au contraire. Whenever you see him, apart from those earlier mentioned (belly)roles, George always seems to breath ‘Sexy’ and I’m willing to bet that his left eyebrow is hotter than the entire cast of the Muppets, miss Piggy excluded.

Now, if that’s the real Clooney it would make his roles in Syriana and The Descendants enormously challenging. That’s like asking Berlusconi to act innocent or David Hasselhof to act as Berlusconi. But I know that’s not George.

Based on nothing but my brilliance (and juvenile jealousy) I am pretty sure that all of George’s former, not so steady, girlfriends talk about him as being a friendly, easy-going, pet loving boyfriend. The kind you would instantly like.

I couldn’t wait to take him home!” They’d say. “Not just to fuck his brains out, but also to show my folks that I’d found the perfect provider.” They would probably follow this statement by a long pause, a small sigh and a blush.

It got a bit boring in the bedroom, though.” they would continue their overly honest monologue, this last remark not being a knife in the back, a substitute for a sex-tape, but the desperate cry of a woman looking for redemption. A female feeling free to react to the BOOH’s of her husband’s fans after their inevitable break-up. Someone who could finally talk about the dryness of her vagina…

Bottom-line; George played himself in Syriana and The Descendants, acted his heart out in Oceans Eleven and should get a damn Oscar for every friggin’ Nescafé commercial that has half of France clinging to their couches.

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